[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
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Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Whoa 😂
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Jupiter
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Me irl
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one