Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
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6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
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