My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
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a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.