[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
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[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Legend 🤣🤣
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!