If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
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Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
went fishing caught a bass
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.