I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
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Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish