*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
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*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.