Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
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*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Risking my life for fun.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.