When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
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Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
bad news gang
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
The future is now.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite