Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
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How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot