Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
You Might Also Like
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Bootstraps
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.