Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
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*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.