People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
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“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
The opposite of Iceland is water water
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
bugs when you lift up a rock
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.