My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
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ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.