ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
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“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry