I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
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Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Boom, boom, ching!
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted