gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
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Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
dictator is short for richard potato
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*