😂😂
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doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.