I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
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A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.