[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
You Might Also Like
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?