This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
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My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.