You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
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Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.