Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
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Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low