Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
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Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!