1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
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I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.