ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
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me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid