Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
You Might Also Like
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
We all have our pet causes.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”