When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
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STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Well well well…
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you