[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
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Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”