Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
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*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN