Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
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Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally