Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
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Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)