If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
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My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
A family that plays together cheats.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
are there any atheist mantises?
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.