I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
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Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
#merica
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Oh. My. God.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Feels like there should be a middle ground
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks