“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
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This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.