men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
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“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.