*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
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I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Doctors texting each other.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’