Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
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I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Just me?
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands