ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
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My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Love is in the air fryer.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Two types of dogs.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*