“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
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Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Succinctly put.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”