NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
You Might Also Like
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
crazy
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
birds and squirrels envy us
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”