My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
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My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
all bases covered
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
2022: I can fix it
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner