to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
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Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?