“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
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I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.