We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
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People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off