I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
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If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.