Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
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Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it鈥檚 a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
馃槀馃槀
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I鈥檇 have to be voted in and that wouldn鈥檛 happen.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
If you鈥檙e worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you