Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
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GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Still cracks me up
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time