7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
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If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.