My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
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Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
opening a flower shop called women in stem
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]